SAMMY'S FUND...TOGETHER WE CAN CURE OUR PETS ILLS.

Sammy's Fund
Laughter is the best medicine. We love to laugh! This page is dedicated to making us do just that! LAUGH ___________________________________________________________________________ FAMILY Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back. "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, " as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you just as soon as I see who's at the door." ___________________________________________________________________________ How to clean inside your computer Click the link below Screen Cleaner ___________________________________________________________________________ Brainteaster: This is one of the many tricks to speed reading. They teach you to look at the frist and lsat of a word and your brain will fill in the rest. Pretty cool. If you can rad this, you have a strange mind too. Can you raed tihs? Olny 65 plepoe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig hih? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! ___________________________________________________________________________ Why am I SO Tired??? For a ouple of years I have been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, low blood sugar or anything else I could think of. But I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing terrorists. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for the state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. YOU and ME. And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, Real Nice. ___________________________________________________________________________ HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her Cuddle her Kiss her Caress her Love her Stroke her Tease her Comfort her Protect her Hug her Hold her Spend money on her Buy thing for her Listen to her Care for her Stand by her Support her Go to the ends of the earth for her HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Show up naked Bring beer _________________________________________________________________________________________ CYANIDE A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord, have mercy – I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband!” That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!” The lady reached into her purse, and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture again and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.” _________________________________________________________________________________________ Smart Voters!! Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution! These people Vote... While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff". She ALSO votes! I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific". He ALSO votes! My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". She ALSO votes! My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. My sister ALSO votes! My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. He ALSO votes! I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain t he same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. My friend ALSO votes! I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained Professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet? SHE ALSO votes! _________________________________________________________________________________________ Finish what you have started. I am passing this on because it definitely worked for me. I read in an article, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So....I looked around the house to see all the things I started but hadn't finished, and that morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel..........You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace. _________________________________________________________________________________________ CURTAIN RODS Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam-cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere! Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home..... including the curtain rods. I just love a happy ending, don't you! _________________________________________________________________________________________ This is what marriage is all about. He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip, and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered "The teeth." _________________________________________________________________________________________ The Old Man An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout. "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him, They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "let him dig, I had him buried upside down!" _________________________________________________________________________________________ Nutritional and Health Expert Dr. Fitness answers a few questions.... Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up year heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You mast grasp logistical efficiencies, What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chick en. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at ail. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even mere of the goodness that way, Beer is also made out of grain, Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in It, How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the- middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach, Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO .... Cocoa beans…. another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming – WOO HOO! What a ride. _________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________ Jack Jack wakes up at home, with a huge hangover he can’t believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, “honey, breakfast is in the stove, I left early to go shopping,--Love you!” He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning paper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son…what happened last night?” “Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” “So why is everything in such perfect order, so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me. His son replies, “Oh that!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!” Broken Furniture--$85.26 Hot Breakfast--$4.20 Red Rose Bud--$3.00 Two Aspirins--$.38 Saying the right thing at the right time-----------Priceless _________________________________________________________________________________________ The Old Rancher The Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher. "I need to Inspect your ranch for your water usage and allocation." The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there." The Water representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs........ "Your Card! Show him your Card!" _________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________ If you stare at this picture a giraffe will appear. Have a funny joke to share? Email us at Laughs@sammysfund.com

Sammy's Fund

Laughter is the best medicine.

We love to laugh!

This page is dedicated to making us do just that!

LAUGH

___________________________________________________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back. "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, " as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you just as soon as I see who's at the door."

___________________________________________________________________________

How to clean inside your computer

Click the link below

Screen Cleaner

___________________________________________________________________________

Brainteaster:

This is one of the many tricks to speed reading.

They teach you to look at the frist and lsat of a word and your brain will fill in the rest.

Pretty cool.

If you can rad this, you have a strange mind too.

Can you raed tihs? Olny 65 plepoe can.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig hih? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

___________________________________________________________________________

Why am I SO Tired???

For a ouple of years I have been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, low blood sugar or anything else I could think of.

But I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing terrorists. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for the state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

YOU and ME.

And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, Real Nice.

___________________________________________________________________________

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her
Cuddle her
Kiss her
Caress her
Love her
Stroke her
Tease her
Comfort her
Protect her
Hug her
Hold her
Spend money on her
Buy thing for her
Listen to her
Care for her
Stand by her
Support her
Go to the ends of the earth for her

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked
Bring beer

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CYANIDE

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord, have mercy – I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband!”
That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse, and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture again and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Smart Voters!!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution! These people Vote...

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff". She ALSO votes!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific". He ALSO votes!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". She ALSO votes!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. My sister ALSO votes!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. He ALSO votes!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain t he same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. My friend ALSO votes!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained Professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet? SHE ALSO votes!

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Finish what you have started.

I am passing this on because it definitely worked for me.

I read in an article, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So....I looked around the house to see all the things I started but hadn't finished, and that morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel..........You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

CURTAIN RODS

Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam-cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere! Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company
pack everything to take to their new home..... including the curtain rods.

I just love a happy ending, don't you!

_________________________________________________________________________________________

This is what marriage is all about.

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip, and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of
hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered "The teeth."

_________________________________________________________________________________________

The Old Man

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout. "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him, They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "let him dig, I had him buried upside down!"

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Nutritional and Health Expert Dr. Fitness answers a few questions....

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up year heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You mast grasp logistical efficiencies, What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are
these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chick en. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at ail. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even mere of the goodness that way, Beer is also made out of grain, Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in It, How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the- middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach,

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO .... Cocoa beans…. another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming – WOO HOO! What a ride.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Jack

Jack wakes up at home, with a huge hangover he can’t believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, “honey, breakfast is in the stove, I left early to go shopping,--Love you!”

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning paper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, “Son…what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

“So why is everything in such perfect order, so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me.

His son replies, “Oh that!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!”

Broken Furniture--$85.26
Hot Breakfast--$4.20
Red Rose Bud--$3.00
Two Aspirins--$.38
Saying the right thing at the right time-----------Priceless

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The Old Rancher

The Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher. "I need to Inspect your ranch for your water usage and allocation."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there." The Water representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step.

The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs........

"Your Card! Show him your Card!"

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If you stare at this picture a giraffe will appear.

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